GETINHERHEAD BLOG

Intentions are Crap

A person who often reminds of what is important said something that perked my ears up lately:

"In the end, you won't be judged on what you've read but rather on what you've done."

In other words, thoughts/intentions/'what's in your head' = nothing/zero/denada/crap.

This outlook on life makes things harder for those of us who like to think great thoughts, profess patience and thoughtfulness.

It's all about action and results. Does that mean you get a rob a store to give your beloved those diamond ear rings? Nope - gotta play by the rules. But you've got to produce. You've got to DO something. Those beautiful thoughts have to translate into action.

So, what are you going to DO?

Best Marriage Advice, Part 1

Wisdom comes from all places. Unfortunately, much of it is only listened to in obituaries.

A young woman thought she had met the man of her dreams. She called her father to ask "What is love?" Since her father was paying for the call he kept it short. "As far as I can tell," he said, "it is passion, admiration and respect. If you have two, you have enough. If you have all three, you don't have to die to go to heaven."

Thank you, Mr. du Aime, for your brevity and thoughtfulness.

Want to Earn $100,000? All you need is a Priest and....

Money can't buy you happiness, right? That being said, if you woke up and found $100,000 extra just sitting in your bank account, I'm guessing you'd be pretty happy. (Or, at this time in our lives, a mortgage banker with a direct line to Mr. Paulson.)

Yes! You'd be thrilled! You'd think of all the things you could do with the money: patching the house, retiring the old car, paying for a kids education, starting a foundation, etc....

Well, if you are in a good marriage, congrats - you just found the $100K.

David Blanchflower, a Dartmouth professor in economics (and, coincidentally, a member of the Monetary Policy Committee of the Bank of England), found out that a good marriage is worth the same as finding an extra $100K in your pocket.

Granted, nothing is truly free. But, if you are in a good marriage, at least it's fun earning the dough.... (And, yes, this is old news but new to me. Thank you DAM!)

Fear As Relationship Magic

Being afraid in a relationship is bad, right? In many cases, I would agree. However, I think this statement sets a trap that leads to boredom. Let me explain....

Early in a relationship, fear can be exciting, something that actually helps you put your best foot forward. That is, if you really like someone, you'll fear they won't like you unless you give it all you have. You don't want Mr. Perfect or Ms. Perfect to think "Well, they really aren't all that and a bag of chips...."

No - you step up. You attend. You plan. You ask questions, open doors, cook fantastic meals. Sacrificing once beloved routines are easy because you know what you want. Your body chemistry is raging right along with you, helping you perform feats of relationship magic heretofore unthinkable to you and your college friends.

But then, 18 to 24 months into the relationship, things start to get, well... normal. All of the sudden, you wake up and that fear of losing the other person, not being the one they can't wait to be with at the end of the day, is gone. But, they are still there. And they have zits! And smell funny! And they don't pick up the freaking laundry! (One main reason for this is, in fact, body chemistry. Read He Comes Next by Ian Kerner for a great explanation.)

I think we need a bit of that healthy fear back in our relational lives. We need to date each other. Again. I see Halloween, the Night of Fright, is a good time to get it back, to recommit to that healthy fear. 

There is plenty of candy waiting for the couple who decides to treat one another like they did all those months ago. And, the good thing is, you don't even have to dress up. Happy Halloween everyone.

Why Men Cheat

I'm a big fan of the Art of Manliness blog - lots of good writing, ideas, and useful info for guys. In their very well written Man Killer Series (Money, power, and sex) I found the best, most consice reasoning behind why men cheat:

"Neuman explains that the feeling of being underappreciated (emphasis added) is the most common emotional factor among cheating men. Somewhere in the midst of diaper changes and mortgage payments life tends to beat the gratefulness out of marriages. Couples that once wrote poems of each other’s beauty and worthiness now suddenly can’t muster up the strength to say thank you. And it hits men at the core."

Oh, and just so you know, 48% of cheating men say that is emotional dissatisfaction that lead to the straying ways. The yearning for appreciation is strong one for men. We search for it from our bosses, our loved ones, our direct reports, our kids, the media - everywhere.

That is why we get choked up at the final scene of Gladiator, when they carry Maximus off and leave Commodus on the sandy floor of the Colliseum. Rome is showing her appreciation of the man. Watching that happen, especially to a troubled, noble, and virtuous man, well.... We all hope to gain some of that in life.

Kate and I finish every day with 3 Happies and 1 Appreciation. It is our way of making "thank you's" a habit. It's one of my favorite parts of the day and I've been known to wake her up to hear those words.

Want to keep your man engaged? Figure out how you can make him feel appreciated, needed, and useful. Then, make sure to let him know. Daily. (Check out this book for ideas on finding out how he feels appreciated. It's the best I've read on the subject.)

The Gift of Surprise

A good surprise is hard to beat in terms of showing a person that you care. To truly pleasantly surprise someone, you have shown yourself to be thoughtful, engaged in them, and willing to sacrifice your time/effort/comfort/etc. for them.

The surprise can be given to anyone. In fact, the reason I'm thinking about this now is due to Kate. She surprised our two older boys with a 'camp out with Mom night.' You would have thought all the Backyardigans had shown up with ice cream. She knows they love an adventure, feeling older, and doing something 'cool.' (Little do they know it will be in the 50's tonight.....)

When was the last time you surprised your loved one? Really pulled out all the stops and created a surprise just for them? Something that made them smile, laugh, look young again? Sure, it takes time and effort to create something she or he would truly enjoy. But, if you won't make time to pleasantly surprise your loved one, you gotta ask yourself: Are your priorities right? Are you in the relationship for the right reasons?

Just as a shameless plug: one of the reasons we created GetinHerHead.com was to make it easier for couples to show one another that they care. The Out of the Blue Reminders really help. Take a minute or five to plansomething for you loved one right now. Get in the habit of doing somethingcompletely random and surprising every 4 weeks. For extra credit, write down what you did for them in order to switch things up the next time and the next and the next.

Go ahead. They are worth it. And, if they aren't, find someone who is!