GETINHERHEAD BLOG

The Dangers of Puppy Love

No, I'm not talking about how terrible it is to love a puppy. I have a hard time visiting the kennel or pet store with my boys and not coming home with a new pup. I fall for them quickly, especially those who can keep up with my 20 month old.

However, about 2 hours later, I've forgotten about that pup. My 'puppy love' was, truly, ephemeral.

Most of us have had similarly powerful feelings of adoration followed shortly thereafter with near amnesia. The problem in human relationsips are that these feelings, if they do not mature, can get you into a whole host of problems.

I recently read a great quote on puppy love:

"Puppy love with a short leash on courtship can lead to a dog's life."

A long term relationship requires a great deal of commitment, patience, friendship, interest, and love. Puppy love might get you going but it sure won't help you last.

Do You Ask Enough Questions?

When Kate and I first 'met', it was online. No, we are not an example of a dating service story gone golden. A mutual friend had been telling us about one another for months and first contact was by email rather than a blind date. It couldn't have worked out better.

For the first 3 weeks of knowing one another, all we did was ask questions. Would you rather hike in the mountains or ride a roller coaster. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Do you have a favorite Broadway show? (Kiss Me, Kate, of course....)

This question and answer session has never really stopped and I'm convinced it is one of the secrets of our happy marriage. The questions are curious rather than leading. They are normally light though some of our reading lead to deeper ones.

The whole point, though, is showing  you are interested in her/him. Asking a question and attending to the answers shows appreciation and interest.

I receive an email for dad's daily (which I highly recommend) which had some great questions to ask your wife though they work well for anyone in a relationship:

• What is your favorite memory of our dating days?

• What is your best memory of your mother? Your father? 

• What are your three favorite movies of all time? 

• What's the one thing you'd like to be remembered for? 

• If you had more time, what hobby would you like to pursue? 

• What living person, other than family members, do you admire most? 

• What's your idea of a perfect night out - or in? 

• If you could only spend $10 on a date night, what would you do? 

I don't think you need to write them down. The mood is important. Go outside for walk or shoot hoops together or show up with their favorite beverage in hand. Then, just hop write in and ask your questions. What you find out may happily surprise you!

Weathering the Storm

Relationships go in cycles. Some periods remind you of that "first time we met" phase when you are excitedly discovering one another. Other times you feel removed, alone, and confused by the person living next to you.

One of the most powerful lessons I've learned in the 7 years of our marriage has been the power of decisions. This was reinforced when we watched Fireproof. (It's a movie I recommend to anyone, especially those about to start a life together, regardless of your religious faith.)

On day two of the love challenge, the man is told that love is not about the heart but rather the determination to do nice things for your loved one without an expectation of a return.

One of the most damaging myths of marriage is that once started in love, everything will remain hunky-dorry. I've often joked about writing a sequel to Cinderella entitled "But the Story Said 'Happily Ever After!'"

You've got to decide, every day, to do something for your loved one. It's about her or his needs, not your own. By listening and serving, you are loving. All this takes is a decision.

This aspect of a relationship is especially important when you have children, a point brought home perfectly by Dr. Bill Doherty. (And, I do agree with Dr. Doherty: If it's an abusive situation, get out.)

Top Gift Lists Are Dangerous

First of all, let me say I'm a big fan of Blue Nile. The two 'push' gifts I bought for Kate from Blue Nile were great products, arrived on time, and the customer service was tremendous. I highly recommend them to you.

That being said, they just sent out a dangerous email:

Top 10 Lists are a problem for any man who has no clue what get his wife or girlfriend.

Why? Because it makes it easy for him to pull the trigger on something she probably won't love. Instead of that "Wow!" sense of satisfaction we men look for on her face, you'll get a "Oh, isn't that nice...." Ugh....

When you pick something off a Top Ten List, odds are you are showing up with something that she'll kinda like but not something that she'll love and remember. It's the generic vs. the tailored. The mundane (even if it is expensive) vs. the special (even if it doesn't cost much.)

The key? Know what would make her feel special and show up with it. With a smile. And a love note. Don't know what she wants? Well, I know a website that'll help....

Ping! Time to Check your Relationship....

I was driving the kids to school the other day and thought, why is it that many of us are better at taking care of our cars than our relationships? 

It certainly isn’t that I care about our Honda more than I do my husband. However, I am diligent about doing the maintenance required to keep the car running smoothly.

Upon thinking about it, I'm not quite as good at doing the maintenance (appreciative words, great gifts, thoughtful deeds, out of the blue surprises…) that keep our marriage fun and exciting. 

I realized I’m better about taking care of the car because it gives me gentle reminders and tells me exactly what it needs: beep beep – washer fluid low, flashing light – 3,000 miles - change oil…. Plus, I know it'll break down if I don't tend to these requirements.

Those little prompts and reminders are exactly what I need for my relationship! 

It’s not rocket science but I have found it requires reminders to put a note in his briefcase before a trip or to make his favorite dessert for no reason or simply to tell him a few reasons why I appreciate him before I go to bed.  

This is why we created GetinHerHead.com.  It's for every person who cares about their partner but hasn’t found a way to keep the fun and excitement of the dating phase several years into a relationship. 

I promise if you use the service and follow the gentle prompts and reminders, your relationship will be in as good a shape as your shiny minivan in no time!

It's Not About You

Let's start from a basic presumption: men and women are not built the same way.

From a biological standpoint, we've got different chemicals screaming through our bodies. Women have a more complex and versatile hypothalamus. Men produce greater muscle mass.

My wife knows everyone's shoe size in our family, including her mother-in-law. I'm lucky to find two shoes that match.

Because of our differences, we value the same experiences and gifts differently. While I take pleasure in a good single malt and well struck 5 iron, Kate gets joy from quality time with the family and a good massage.

If I were to show up with a bottle of something for Kate on Valentines Day, she'd say "thank you" and never touch it. However, if I created a gift certificate she could redeem at any time for a 30-minute massage or full day off from the kids, she'd be thrilled. (That is, as long as I backed it up!)

The point is to know what your loved one would appreciate and show up with that gift and a big smile on your face. It's not about giving them what you would enjoy to receive. It's about them and what they'd like.

Don't know? Then ask!! It may sound silly but great relationships are built on communication. Here is a simple statement and question that will help:

Honey, I want to do something for you that shows how much I appreciate everything you do for me but I don't know just the right thing. Could you please give me a few ideas of what you'd really love?

It is not cheating to ask what your loved one would appreciate. It's common sense. Does it take the romance out of your lives? I don't think so. When posed correctly and thoughtfully followed up, this question will improve the romantic feelings. 

(By the way: if you really want to know more about giving the best gift to your loved one, read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Easy read, fantastic results.)