GETINHERHEAD BLOG

The 7 worst things to say to your wife just after she has a baby

New fathers or fathers-to-be, here's a hot tip for you - your wife is most likely still going to feel like a beached whale weeks after the birth and the mood swings she will have from the crazy hormones raging in her body are going to make Kathy Bates in Misery look like Polyana... don't get me wrong, bringing home a new baby is a special and beautiful time... as long as you avoid a few choice phrases:

"I called my mom and she said…"

"I’m so tired."

"Do you want to fool around?"

"Do you mind if I have the guys over for poker night?"

"Are you still wearing pregnancy clothes?"

"Do you think the baby looks like Winston Churchill?"

"I thought breast feeding was supposed to take the weight right off."

When you say "Thank you"....

We play this game from time to time that makes fun of the perception of words by the recipient. Here is one I used on Cole one time: "When you say 'good morning', I hear 'Get out of bed, you fat cow...." At first he took it seriously and then started to laugh. (Whether or not he should have laughed is another story.)

As it turns out, saying "Thank you" and meaning it makes a huge difference in relationships. I've stumbled across this article that speaks to the necessary nature of appreciation, especially concerning the completion of household chores.

"He knows I appreciate the fact he takes out the garbage. I shouldn't have to say 'thanks' every time." Two questions: Does he really? and Why not?

Saying (and meaning) "thank you for X,Y, Z" is one of the easiest ways to make a relationship better. Hearing and seeing gratitude expressed by your partner towards you is just as good for men as it is for women.  Just remember what your body is sayingis just as, if not more, important as what comes out of your mouth.

What can you say 'thank you' for today?

Doors Open: Tuesday, February 26

Well, it looks like the day has finally come to open GetinHerHead.com to the world! We've spent over a year thinking, planning, and building the idea. While we already know a number of features that will be added soon, we are excited to get GetinHerHead.com out there and start helping couples.

Thanks to everyone who has helped get this project off the drawing boards and onto the web!

What’s the point? What’s the problem?

I was listening to the very wise Alison Armstrong (www.understandmen.com) talk about the differences between men and women. The specific point of interest: how men listen when women talk and felt like a light bulb went off for me.

Let me start by saying that my husband, Cole, is a great listener and a wonderful communicator.   However, I often feel like he is always trying to offer solutions to something that I don’t see as a problem.  Until I heard Alison talk, it never dawned on me that we listen differently. 

When Cole talks, I am always thinking; “how did that make him feel?”  So, all the questions I ask relate to his feelings.  When I speak, Cole (and most men) is thinking, what is the point and what is the problem?  And from that comes, what are the solutions to this problem?  That would be outstanding if I was looking for help with a problem but I (and most women) am rarely looking for help –I am looking for connection! 

It’s amazing to realize how he is thinking so I can say to him before I start talking,  there’s no real point and no problem that I want solved, I’m just talking… and he relaxes and doesn’t offer solutions!   Who knew it could be that easy!

Big Questions in White Plains

I couldn't help  overhear a man ask his traveling partner "I never remember to do this - do you know a good florist at home?" while sitting in an airport recently. It led to the guys laughing about all the missed birthdays, anniversaries, and other dates important to their family for meetings. Ultimately, they both wondered aloud, "Why do they stick around?"

Its a good question. What are you doing, on a daily basis, to show your loved one you appreciate them? Regardless of gender or work situation, we all have a basic need to feel appreciated, especially by our loved one.

Romance - Can you really plan it?

It’s Tuesday night at 8:55pm and up pops a reminder on my computer to meet my husband for a scheduled “date” in five minutes.  So I stroll into the kitchen and there he is having just arrived from his office for our “date.”  We are not getting dressed up or even leaving the house… we have just scheduled in some time to be together.  Some of you may say, how pathetic… how premeditated…how unromantic...  Well, call it what you will but we simply call it necessary.

We have three kids, two businesses, a house, friends and hobbies (ok my husband plays golf…)  We have decided to make focused time together a priority and we have found that to really make that happen as often as it should, we have to schedule it.  It doesn’t mean that we don’t make other time for each other that can be spontaneous during the week but we have guaranteed times that are on both our calendars, just for us.

I find that scheduled time to be incredibly romantic and connecting for us because we have both made it a priority.  Should I be folding laundry or writing a blog post? Probably… but we have both decided that spending quality time together is more important.  There are few things more romantic to me that my husband saying, we are going to drop everything else right now and be together because you are a priority to me.  Scheduled or not, that’s romantic.

Remember When….

Do you remember when your husband used to call you just to hear your voice?  Or when your stomach would do summersaults when you saw her email address pop up on your screen?  Do you remember when their little idiosyncrasies were cute… It’s not so cute when he burps your name anymore is it…?  Well it turns out that the old adage, love is blind is only partly true, it should read, new love is blind.  After about two years, the blinders start to peel off and his smelly socks all over the bedroom floor and her incessant talking when you walk in the door don’t have the same charm anymore. 

The reality is that when we are in that initial falling in love stage, biology takes over!  Our brains are bathed in chemicals that literally blind us to the others faults.   The male brain is swimming in dopamine which makes him want to please you in every way he can so that he can “win.”  Men are biologically engineered to desire the “chase.”  So, after they “catch” us and we commit to each other, the level of the dopamine in their brains literally plummets.  Yikes – no more flowers, gazing at us from across the room, or putting the toilet seat back down after he pees.  This may sound depressing but it is actually an opportunity!  Now you just have to work a little harder to keep the “chase” alive in your relationship…

Top 5 ways to keep the “chase” alive in your relationship:

1)      Flirt with him/her like you did when you first met.

2)      Go away for a romantic weekend and intentionally act like you did when you were courting.

3)      Do something totally unexpected and make him or her feel adored.

4)      Exercise daily – it makes you feel better about yourself and gives you the uplifting chemicals that are no longer present in the new love stage.

5)      Do something together that is totally out of the ordinary that appeals to men’s nature – go skydiving, go white water rafting, go on a roller coaster… appeal to his need for adventure!

If you are interested in learning more about the biology of men and women as it relates to relationships, we highly recommend the books by relationship expert, Ian Kerner: She Comes First and He Comes Next.

These are NOT Date Movies!!

Kate and I enjoy watching movies. In fact, since we found Netflix, one of our favorite date nights is to choose a good flick, make a great dinner, get the kids to bed, and cozy up on the couch. (Last night's Amazing Grace really got us talking - it's a great movie.)

In picking our upcoming date movie, we often visit Rotten Tomatoes - a great site for reviews and ratings. I had a lot of fun reading through a recent blog post regarding their top 'anti-relationship' flicks.

(Let's hear it for Michael Douglas, Kathleen Turner, and Glenn Close - the King and Queens of relationship disaster!)

"War of the Roses" has always been on of 'can't turn it off late night flicks' list. It has a ton of dark humor, great physical comedy, Devito is absolutely hilarious, and there is an actual message in the end.

While I wouldn't suggest to watch a lot of these 'anti-relationship' movies in a row - you don't want to give your loved one the wrong idea - sometimes its fun to see what is on the other side of good relationships.

Enjoy!

Our first review!

Molly over at Demogirl just sent a note along letting us know that she created the screencast imbedded below for GetinHerHead. (You can access the full screen version here.) Let me just say this - she nailed it! I was thrilled that Molly, a person I've never met or have spoken with before, could understand and explain the service so well.

By the way, the screencast idea is a good one. Its a really easy way to let people know about your site and could be a great 'tour' feature. Had I known about this earlier, we might not have done all that flash work ourselves!

Looks like Molly can help your get your own for your website as well. Thanks again Molly!

The G word....

Do you know anyone who has small children and their husbands play golf?  You know the one’s whose husbands work hard all week and then feel like it is their right to take a quarter of every weekend for their own time.  That sounds reasonable doesn’t it… you work hard, you provide for your family, you spend some time as a family on the weekend and you get to take some time for yourself too… Sure that sounds right… but do you know any woman with small children, who either works or stays home that takes six hours to pursue a hobby or hang out with her friends every single weekend?   If you do, let me know because I haven’t met her yet and I would like to be her friend!

It’s hard for me to be too critical because my husband does work from home and cooks all our meals, is great with the kids and does the grocery shopping… but a six hour hobby…every weekend… that requires lots of equipment upgrades and is really expensive… when you get down to it, it’s a little ridiculous.

If you know these men who are obsessed with golf, you know that they can rarely remember their anniversary but they know every club they used on every hole of every round of golf they have ever played!  Not only do they remember, but apparently it is a part of the experience to relieve every hole with whoever will listen after each round…

Because I know that the men are not going to stop playing golf, here are 7 tips for every man who plays golf and has small children

1)  “It was great!  Thanks!”

When you walk in the door after having been gone for six hour and your wife asks how your round was, tell her it was great and thank her profusely for taking the kids while you played.  (Even if you had 18 triple bogeys and got hit in the head by an errant shot)

2)  “What can I do to help?”

When you get home, don’t relive each shot and club choice for her, instead, scoop up the kids and give her a few minutes (or hours) of peace and quiet.

3) “Look what I got for you!”

If, by the grace of God, you get to play in a three day tournament and are gone for 27 hours… if you do happen to win some money (aka. credit from the golf shop), don’t buy something for yourself.   Even if that means she ends up with 37 pairs of argyle socks!

4) “This is for you!”

If you happen to bet your hard earned money on your weekend golf game and lose more than $2, don’t tell me about it… and if you happen to win any money – promptly hand it over when you return home and tell her to go get a coffee while you watch the kids.

5) “What can I do to help" Part II

Whatever you do, don’t come home and tell me that you didn’t even stay for a drink and expect to win any points with me… it took you 15 minutes to get to the club, 45 minutes to warm up, 4 and a half hours to play the round… and 15 minutes to get home… You are a real sweetheart for not choosing to socialize with people you just spent 6 hours with while I was playing cleaning lady, referee, lunch lady, life source, negotiator, circus coordinator etc…

6) “I want to spend time with you guys”

If by chance you don’t play golf one weekend, don’t act like you are getting father of the year because you are spending the whole weekend with the family… instead try saying that you are totally focused on the family this weekend and are there any projects or things you would like to get done (while you recover from your triple bypass because that is the only thing that may keep you off the course for a weekend)!

7) “I know it’s a lot of time and I really appreciate it.”

Whatever you do, don’t get defensive and try to justify your hobby – it is as fruitless as trying to tell me what a good guy your friend Dennis is – you know the one with the gun rack, 6 playboy bunny stickers and confederate flag on his truck... don’t go there.

More Chocolate = More Sex?

Its always a little funny to find things about relationships in The Economist, one of our favorite mags. However, they've recently reported on the link between chocolate and sex. While it is not conclusive, I would love to find out if there truly is a causal link or if it is just a coincidence. If there truly is a causal link, we'll be upping our cocoa intake!

Happy Valentines Day everyone.

Favorite New Quote

From our very good friend and colleague Lynn:

"I love the website - it has already inspired me to buy a gift for Chris for V-day and hide it in his suitcase as he'll be away this week (go me!)."

That, ladies and gents, is EXACTLY what we are going for here. Thanks Lynn!