GETINHERHEAD BLOG

The Danger of a Big But

Look, I'm not a fan of buts. They are ugly, leave a terrible impression and take up a lot of space. That one little word can simply ruin a good sentence. (What were you thinking about? Focus, people!) 'But' makes the listener forget everything you said prior to 'but' escaping your lips and focuses their attention on what comes after it. Imagine the actual result of the following statement:

"Honey, I love you but you're drive me crazy!"

Using 'but' to join your phrases makes the listener focus on the negative immediately with no remembrance of your initial set up. Regardless of the situation, using 'but' in a sentence destroys whatever intro you've provided. Instead of 'but', use the term 'and.'

"Honey, I love you and you're driving me crazy!"

Employing 'and' in the sentence allows the listener to keep both messsages alive in their perception. Your primary phrase will be listened to and remembered. Your secondary phrase (and perhaps the main reason for the entire sentence) will also be accepted but and tempered by your primary phrase.

Why is this important? While body language still wins the battle in most communicative situations, the use of our words still have an enormous effect on the listener. Choosing your words wisely should be high on your priority list, especially in a relationship you wish to enjoy.

Replace 'but' with 'and' - you'll both be happy with the results. And, if you'd like to try this at home, make sure to use phrases that won't get you slapped!

Pet Peeves and Truth from Kids

Funny thing happened last night with the kids that I thought I'd share. Kate was getting ready to head out to her bi-monthly escape from the house, er... book club. (I'm a big believer in getting out to do something with your friends and be away from your partner from time to time. Its healthy!)

Anyway, as I was reading The Sneetchs to the kids prior to bedtime, Kate walked in to kiss them both before heading out. The oldest looked up and asked "So, is Dad babysitting us tonight?"

Perfectly honest question. However, seeing as this is a big frustration for Kate - dad's saying they've got to babysit their kids - I wondered how she would react. I certainly have never used the term around the boys.

Luckily, we both laughed about it. "No, son. Dad is your parent - he doesn't babysit you." Of course, they've got no clue what that means at this point but it raises an interesting point about kids and their relationship with their mom at an early age: Its all about the mom.

Now, I'm around the boys A TON. I take the big one to school almost every morning, hang out with everyone at lunch, take a break in the afternoon for play, and am involved with bedtime every time I'm home - which, right now, is almost every night. With the exception of an odd round of golf on the weekends, I'm even more involved.

Regardless of my amount of involvement, the kids still see Mom as the primary caregiver and everyone else as 'just a babysitter.' I guess I'll just have to accept the role. Actually, I'm going to imbrace it. I'm going to be the coolest babysitter they've ever had. We are going to have m&m's on the ice cream, stay up late, and fall asleep in the tent everynight mom's gone from now on!

101 Ways to Show Your Husband You Love Him

Last week, Bethany Hiitola put up a fun post on 101 things men can do for the women they love. Well, after a little back and forth, Bethany challenged me to come up with my own list for women to do for men. I've tried to remain in the not-so-obvious realm. (In other words, no where is 'Show up naked, bring beer' mentionned.) And, don't be so sure that every guy likes every one of these suggestions. For the most part, though, I'm sure your guy will appreciate them. So, without further ado:

1. Give him a shoulder massage without being asked.
2. If he normally gets up with the kids, give him a morning off.
3. Give him the morning sports section, a cup of coffee, and take the kids out to breakfast.
4. Frame a picture of the two of you or your kids for his desk.
5. Set up a guys night with his buddies.
6. Give him a gift certificate to Starbucks or his favorite local coffee shop.
7. Get a sitter for the kids and take him out to his favorite restaurant.
8. After the kids go to bed, slip into something comfortable and make some… advances.
9. Tell him what you appreciate about him, either something he did that day or something he does all the time.
10. Compliment him in front of the kids. Not only will it make him feel good, it’ll show your children you love him as well.
11. Upgrade his seat on the next flight
12. Send an E-card for no reason
13. Buy a card and send it in the mail for no reason
14. Write a note on the bathroom mirror. And, no, not about taking out the trash....
15. Clean up his car for no reason
16. Be "in the mood."
17. Do his laundry.
18. Leave a love note hidden under the pillow.
19. Surprise your husband with twenty-six gifts from A to Z that begin with each of the letters of the alphabet.
20. Flirt with him.
21. Send a small evergreen tree with a note stating you're 'pining' for him.
22. Serve breakfast in bed.
23. Carve your initials on a fence.
24. When he gets home from work, greet him at the door wearing lingerie or nothing but a smile.
25. Plan a romantic picnic but forget the bologna and PBJ – pack an exciting meal, such as sushi, quesadillas, finger sandwiches or chilled shrimp with a fancy bottle or wine or gourmet water. Include citronella candles for an extra romantic touch and to keep bugs away while you dine.
26. Get tickets to an event featuring his favorite sports team and accompany him to the game with enthusiasm. Wear a team hat, drink beer and eat hot dogs just like any other friend would do at the game.
27. Bring a fancy lunch to his office and eat it behind closed doors – you never know what can happen in an hour!
28. Send an email to him during his hectic workday and attach a photo of you wearing your favorite sexy swimsuit. Let him know you can't wait for him to get home.
29. Take a long drive to nowhere. Pack some treats and a few of your favorite CDs.
30. Go on a peaceful nature hike together. A quiet walk gives you the opportunity to hold hands and talk together with no distractions from the outside world.
31. Send him a text message on his cell phone just to tell him that you are thinking about him.
32. Tuck a love note inside his laptop so that when he opens it, he will see you remembered him.
33. Download a photo or video of yourself and make it the background on his computer screen or his screensaver.
34. Create some arrows leading to the bathroom where you've got a hot bath waiting for him and his favorite beer or wine to enjoy.
35. Have a hearty meal waiting for him when he comes home from work. Serve all his favorite dishes without any romantic overtures or expectations and he is sure to show his appreciation after he eats and relaxes.
36. Treat him to breakfast out over the weekend and then spend the rest of the day just hanging out together.
37. Get a nifty waterproof tote, fill it with his favorite toiletries and leave it on his pillow for discovery later. Guys often neglect to keep up with purchasing essential supplies and a bag with razors, after shave, toothpaste and lotion is sure to be appreciated.
38. Program a song into his iPod and have it on deck the next time he grabs his iPod to go running so he knows you are thinking of him.
39. Get a large piece of paper and create a collage of photos showing the two of you spending fun time together. Put the collage up over your bed or living room couch where he can see it and appreciate it.
40. Make a scrapbook with photos, letters, ticket stubs and other precious memories of the moments you shared together and put it on the coffee table or dining room table for him to browse through.
41. Draw a funny picture of the two of you together along with a heart with your names in it with a retro junior high school feel. Put the picture on his car seat so he can get a happy laugh on his way to work.
42. Take a shower together so you can wash and condition his hair for him. Not only will his hair look better, both of you are sure to feel better, too.
43. Shop for him.
44. Pick up his shirts at the cleaners.
45. Write "I Love You" in red lipstick across the bathroom mirror.
46. Treat him and his buddies to an afternoon at a sports bar for the big game.
47. Iron his clothes.
48. Leave a note in his wallet saying that you love him.
49. Laminate a picture of you both or of your entire family for his wallet. (You can make it the same size as a credit card.)
50. Get a birthday card for his parents ready for him to sign.
51. Take the kids out of the house before he gets home from work. Leave him a note saying “Enjoy the quiet. We’ll be back by ___.”
52. Pick up his favorite treat and leave it on the counter for him with a note “I thought you might like this.” It could be a beer, a chocolate, beef jerky… whatever he likes and rarely treats himself to.
53. Say “I love you” at random times during the day.
54. Walk up behind him and give him a hug for no reason.
55. Get him a bunch of movies he’d like to watch when he’s sick.
56. Bring him breakfast in bed.
57. When he’s upset, tell him you’d be happy to listen if and when he’s ready to talk about it. Then, give him some space and don't be mad if he doesn't take you up on the offer.
58. Ask him, “What do you do better than anyone else you know?” And, then listen to the response. If you can back it up, tell him so.
59. When he cooks, compliment the food after you’ve had only a few bites.
60. Tell him why you think he’s a great husband, dad, or both.
61. Compliment the way he looks in his suit.
62. Make a ‘goodie bag’ for his next trip – a few chocolates and a little note.
63. Put a bunch of new magazines by his favorite toilet – magazines you think he’d like.
64. Take a silly picture of the kids and email it to him.
65. Ask him what you can do to help him, right then and there.
66. Learn a little bit about his favorite team – a recent trade, the next game, etc. Ask him about it and see what he thinks.
67. Give him a ‘Free Pass’ gift certificate to something he doesn’t like to do but does every time you ask.
68. Ask him “What’s your favorite memory?”
69. Make him a mixed CD for his car.
70. Get him an iTunes gift certificate.
71. Challenge him to a game of PIG or HORSE.
72. Get up early and make him his favorite breakfast before work.
73. Rub his feet on the couch one night while watching tv.
74. Buy him new socks.
75. Buy him some new underwear.
76. Let him pick a movie that you both watch.
77. Call his mom to see how she’s doing without being asked.
78. When he’s lost, let him figure it out without saying a word. If you must speak, say something like, "You'll get it." in a positive voice.
79. When he’s sick, see if he needs anything and then give him quiet and space.
80. Go for a walk after dinner.
81. Hide little notes for him in places only he will find.
82. Plan a date and make it something adventurous like go carts or bumper cars
83. Get tickets to a concert and pick him up from work.
84. Bring lunch for he and his office mates - a big sandwich or something like that to share. It'll make him look good and his co-workers will appreciate it.
85. Get tickets to a minor league sporting event for the two of you
86. Send him a ‘remember when’ email with a memory that makes you both laugh.
87. Order him a new t-shirt from his college or favorite sports team
88. Sign up for getinherhead.com and fill out all your information for him. (Full disclosure - that's my 'other' website.)
89. Don’t nag
90. Ask him who he would like to have over and plan a little dinner party with the guests of his choice
91. Go on Ebay and find some memorabilia he would love and surprise him with it… like an autographed photo of his favorite sports player.
92. On a day other than his birthday, make cupcakes and put a candle in his and tell him to make any wish he would like…
93. Take a day to really appreciate all the little things he does and tell him so.
94. Go to a park and swing together for a few minutes
95. Locate the closest drive-in movie and go one night
96. Send him on a scavenger hunt and have him end up at a bar/restaurant where you are waiting for him
97. Make a picnic and take a drive to a quiet place for lunch
98. Encourage him to invite his friends over for a big game and make nachos and other appetizers for them.
99. Let him out of the next obligatory event that you would like to drag him to and bring a friend instead
100. Go to an arcade and play video games with him.
101. Go to UnderstandMen.com and listen to a few of Alison Armstrong's podcasts. She gets men.

Anything you'd like to add?

As a personal aside - this list took me 4 days to compile. I'm going to stop writing this touchy-feely stuff and watch Sportscenter.

An Easter Treat?

First and foremost, I believe that Easter is a sacred religious observance. I was raised going to a sunrise service for as far back as I can remember and continued the tradition while in college.

Now that we have kids, I'm reminded about my confusion and mixed feelings regarding the 'Easter Bunny.' Sure, its a fun game to play with the kids and with each other, but what does it have to do with the true meaning of Easter? How much can we talk about the Easter Story with our children and when? What kind of Easter basket do we 'need' to have ready?

Personally, I don't think gifts are necessary at Easter. BUT, if you truly feel you want to give your sweetie a little circe for the day, here's my suggestion - the Reese Egg.

What does it have to do with Easter? Absolutely nothing, except that they only are sold at this time of year. That means if you blink, you'll miss it.

I don't buy myself many treats, especially of the chocolate/peanut butter/sugar kind. If I did, my grocery bill and waist line would be much, much larger. However, I enjoy to receive these treats from time to time as an Out of the Blue. (So, Kate, nudge nudge...)

If you know of a little something your loved one enjoys but rarely treats themselves to, pick one up on your way home today. Showing up with a little surprise, especially one that you know they'll treat as 'fun treat' shows that a) you attend to their interests and b) want to do things that make them happy. Basically, it shows your friendliness towards them.

Little treats go a long way... even on Easter.

Are we the 'same?'

Anyone who has read a newspaper or gone to college in the past thirty years has been indoctrinated with the idea that men and women are the same.  Now, don’t think that when I say the ‘same’ I mean ‘equal,’ we are obviously equal as in having the same value.  What we have been taught is that we are the same as in having the same wants, desires, needs and feelings and the only differences between us are created by our society.

I actually bought into this madness until I gave our very young sons both trucks and dolls and the dolls were consistently being used as ramps for those trucks.  I am pretty sure that they were not socialized in our home to treat babies as on ramps… We also did not bring a single gun or sword into our home and our kids don’t watch any tv shows with such activities, yet, every long hard object in and out of our home is turned into a sword or gun… I was finally jolted back to reality and the facts that people have known for thousands and thousands of years, men and women do have some inherent differences!

The author of, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, John Gray, has just written a new book, Why Mars and Venus Collide.   The book examines a number of studies about brain differences in men and women and how those differences affect our relationships.  It is an interesting book and you can hear a preview of the ideas in the book when Dennis Prager interviews John Gray. 

(Move the arrow to 12 minutes into the program to hear the interview with John Gray)

Making the Wife Happy

Here is a super list of little things guys can do to make their wives (and their own lives) happier. Great list, Bethany!

Simple Relationship Rule #1

Under promise, Over Deliver.

You've probably heard this in terms of customer service. The guys at the service station say the car will be ready on Friday but call you Thursday morning and it costs a bit less than they originally thought. The Microsoft tech support says it'll be $35 but help you fix it for free anyway. You get the idea.... THEY set an expectation that YOU can live. Then, they provide better service for less time or cost.

The same thing happens in great relationships. Here's an example: Your wife has an important business dinner. She asks you to be home at 5:30, giving her 45 minutes to put dinner on the table, get ready and make it on time. This is an expectation you can both live with, as long as it happens.

If you show up on time - congrats, you've done what you said you'd do. No medals awarded there but none expected. If you are going to be late, you better call (and it better be from the local emergency room). If you show up with the kids' favorite pizza in hand at 5 pm and tell her "I got it - go get ready" with a smile on your face, you are over delivering.

This is what friends do - they focus on what is important to the other person and over deliver in their support. I'm not saying you under promise everything. The wedding vow is "I DO" not "I'll TRY." And, I'm not saying you should be helpful pest.

But, in the everyday situations of a busy life together, taking a moment to over deliver for your loved one shows that a) listen and b) care.

3 Happies and a Thankful

When Cole and I started dating we were 1,100 miles apart so we ended each day on the phone.  We ended the conversation each night by saying three things that made us happy that day.  When we were ready to get off the phone, we would say, “What are your happies?”  They were simple things like: sleeping in, laughing really hard with a friend, a great sunset, time to work out, talking to you on the phone, etc…

It was the nicest way to end the day, focusing on the good parts of the day and sharing them with each other.  It also allowed me to know what things made Cole happy and what was meaningful to him in our day to day life which, I think, has made me a better wife. 

After we got married, we added in one thankful at the end of our happies.  A thankful was one thing that we were thankful ABOUT THE OTHER PERSON.  Some days it is as simple as, I appreciate you taking out the trash, rubbing my feet when we sat on the couch, calling to check in, switching the laundry, grabbing my hand when we walked down the street etc…  It is the greatest window into the tiny little things that happen every day that the other person values… so that you can do those tiny little things more often… and tiny little things add up!

It takes less than five minutes each day and it has transformed the way we think about the day and most importantly, the way we think about each other.