GETINHERHEAD BLOG

Start Dating Again

I acknowledge that part of the joy of getting married is that one doesn’t have to date anymore.  The horrid first dates, the hideous set ups by your loving aunt, spending two hours getting ready to go out to the meat market clubs and then only meeting guys named Guido who have more product in their hair than you do... ahh to be done with those days!

That being said, it’s time to start dating again.  However, this time you will not be on your own… you should be 'dating' for couple friends.

Having a couple that you both enjoy spending time with makes going out and growing up together a lot more fun.  It's not only enjoyable, there is one major benefit that true couple friends do to improve your relationship: having a someone else in the your lives with whom to have honest conversations about marriage. 

We seem to talk about the challenges in our life in every area but marriage.  If you have great couple friends that you can really talk to, you will find that many of the challenges in marriage are universal and it takes a tremendous burden off your marriage. 

So, you can leave your aunt and dancing shoes out of this round of dating, but for the sake of your relationship, start dating again!

Interview with Alison Armstrong

Hello everyone! I've got a real treat for you. Alison Armstrong, founder of the PAX Conferences and UnderstandMen.com, was kind enough to spend 30 minutes speaking with me about the differences between men and women and how we, as couples, can keep the 'courting spark' going.

Kate and I have been listening to Alison and reading her thoughts for over a year. We agree that she gets men and is able to describe men better than anyone we've heard to date.

Click Here to get to the interview.

(Please excuse the clicking sound you'll hear for the first minute. It goes away and doesn't come back. The interview is just over 30 minutes. I learned a lot and hope you will as well!)

You can lead a horse to water....

An open letter to the men using this service:

Guys,

I appreciate you stopping by and using GIHH to help keep yourself prepared for upcoming special events and spontaneous out of the blues. Kate and I worked pretty hard trying to figure out everything we (guys, that is) need to bring a smile to the lady's life.

You and I both know we tend to be single focused. While she can juggle a bunch of things and still remember what color tie our boss prefers we wear, you and I refuse to focus on things that don't concern the here and now. It's a valuable trait - it fed us and our families during our evolution.

We also know that we, as men, don't like to play when we know we cannot win. I'd rather take my ball and go home and wait for something I know I've got a chance at. Again, this is another valuable trait - it helps us spend our energy in the best ways for our current needs.

My point: I've heard some of you are taking a look at your lady's wish list and purchasing other things. That is certainly your prerogative. It is your money and I'm not about to tell you how to spend it. HOWEVER, if your lady friend has filled out everything on GIHH, she is giving you a clear path to score some major points.

Take that single focus and crush the list. Augment it with some of your own ideas that would only enhance the gift (like a spontaneous night out or randomly provided foot rub). Focus on that which SHE would enjoy rather than what you want to do. This does not take away the romance. Doing things that are important for her are the best way to show your love.

While every woman is different, I know that if she took the time to give you the list of things she'd love, you'll do great by fulfilling them.

Best of Luck,

Cole

Mother's Day - A Day Rich in Irony

In researching Mother's Day for our upcoming newsletter, I stumbled across some of the more ironic pieces of information I've seen in a while.

For those of you who don't know, Mother's Day was started twice in the US. The first form, which lasted only a few years before dying out, focused on uniting mothers in peaceful protests of war and building relationships between families who's sons had fought in the Civil War.

The later, and still running, Mother's Day, was founded in Grafton, WV by Anna Jarvis as a memorial to mother, Ann. In an effort to draw attention to the sacrifices mothers make, Anna was aided by a wealthy Philadelphia clothing merchant named John Wanamaker. With his financial support, Anna Jarvis succeeded in planting Mother's Day in the national conscious, which President Woodrow Wilson formalized by proclamation on May 14, 1914.

Here's the irony: First off, the man who provided the financial support for Mother's Day also provided most of the funding for the Professional Golfers Association of America. Yep, that is right. Mr. Wanamaker is partly responsible for providing Mom the attention and affection she deserves. And, through his son, his money helped bring them one of the great social stressors of our time - the modern golfer. (That is the Wanamaker Trophy Mr. Woods is holding up having just won the PGA Championship.)

Secondly, Ms. Jarvis died battling the holiday she helped create! From the Wikipedia page on Ms. Jarvis:

Jarvis, says her New York Times obituary, became embittered because too many people sent their mothers a printed greeting card. As she said, "A printed card means nothing except that you are too lazy to write to the woman who has done more for you than anyone in the world. And candy! You take a box to Mother—and then eat most of it yourself. A pretty sentiment!"

I have to agree with Ms. Jarvis on that point. It is not just the thought that counts. You've got to do something that shows your own appreciation in your own hand, words or deeds. We've all become too complacent and busy at the same time to take the time to show, truly show, our appreciation. Mother's Day is a perfect time to slow down and do so.

As far as the golf connection, I guess Rodman Wanamaker thought his dad had done enough to 'buy' some time at the golf course.... Guys, just make sure you aren't seen with your sticks on May 11th!

Lovers say "I'm Sorry."

There is this funny idea circulating that goes something like this: "Being in love means never having to say 'I'm sorry.'" According to the clarity-meister Dennis Prager, this phrase may have started to take hold with the movie Love Story. Seeing as I wasn't yet born when the movie came out, I'll take his word for it.

The 'Never having to say "I'm sorry"' idea is a load of malarky. When you screw up (and it is a function of when, not if) , apologize. Don't know how? Here is a great guideline that Randy Pausch, he of the well deserved last lecture fame, prescribes.

Here's Randy's 3 step process:

1. Say "I'm sorry."
2. Say "It was my fault."
3. Say "What can I do to make it right?"

(Here is Randy's lecture in a shortened version care of Oprah. It's 11 minutes and well worth the time.)

Why does this matter? Because the man or woman that you are deciding to love and respect deserves to see your love come through with your apology.

Want to know how a person really is going to handle one of these situations before you get into things? Observe how they handle a problem with a waitress, cabbie, or cleaning person. If they take the time to treat them with dignity and respect, they'll most likely act this way for everyone. If they treat these people in other ways, be careful.

Being in love requires that you say "I'm sorry" when the situation occurs. Do it quickly, sincerely, and without reservation. It's amazing how quickly it will help make things right again.

Truth from the Mother-in-Law

I'm blessed. To date, I've got a fabulous relationship with my mother in law. In fact, in a recent conversation over the best pad thai I've had, she said something that made me think about the early stages of most relationships:

You can't decorate by committee.

I can honestly say that of the 5 tense times Kate and I have lived through, 2 of them have come from decorating the house. I take the blame. Almost 7 years of marriage and a whole lot of reading have reminded me about something most men (including me) share - we don't really give a damn about where the pictures are hung.

As long as we have a place that is comfortable, clean by our standards, and reasonably secure, we are all good. Therefore, we shouldn't fight the placement of objects, colors of drapes, or shapes of pillows. (Now, we will continue to fight about the money side of things. Make an agreed upon budget and live by it, people.)

If it makes momma happy, guys, let her be happy. You'll only benefit from it. If you are simply fighting to 'win the battle', I can pretty much guarantee you'll lose the war. (If you do choose to fight it out about the drapes, I suggest going into it dressed as the merry lad above.)

Business Time!!

WAD Tested. WAD Approved. (And many thanks to the California section of WAD for returning the boss happy and refreshed.)

It's probably you....

Our 7 month old, the Captain of a Tomahawk Missle Destroyer, and a Martini combined to remind me that most problems in relationships start with something you, yourself, made happen. Odd pairing? Certainly. But hear me out.

It's a boys weekend here at home as our fearless leader is spending the weekend in CA with friends. The boys and I had just returned from a walk. The bigger boys were playing outside while I was giving the 7 month old his dinner.

Having to walk outside briefly to play referee, I came back in and couldn't find the baby's dinner. On second glance, I noticed he was wearing it. Oatmeal and plum all over and a big smile to boot.

After my first thought (oh, ****), my second thought was of Captain Michael Abrashoff. If one of his commands was not followed correctly, he first spent time figuring out if he had a hand in the problem. Upon reflection, he realized he was partly to blame for the poor result more often than not. Whether it was poor communication, poor planning, or not being aware of what other factors, Capt. Abrashoff new he needed to improve himself first.

I obviously had set the bowl too close to the lad. He can't be blamed (yet) for his actions. In Brandi's Christmas 'crying under the tree' case (which made me laugh outloud), she fell victim to her own instructions. To be clear: when guys hear "we aren't doing presents this year", we do what we are told. If your guy gets you a card under these circumstances, he feels as if he's gone above and beyond.

The same thing happens to guys - we fall victim to our own actions. She's continual pissed about your hobby or your friends or your choices. More often than not, if the guy simply asked "when would it be good for you for me to 'x'" or "Can we sit down and plan a few things this month?", you'll be snipping many problems in the bud.

We men bring a lot of hassles on ourselves due to poor communication, planning, or thoughtfulness. Women bring many problems on themselves when they believe men think and feel remotely like them. (On the whole, we most certainly do not.)

It's called a relationship. When you have an issue together, take a moment to judge if you've had a hand in the problem. This is easier said than done in the moment. After the moment, though, take a good hard look. If you were in the wrong, say so. If not, lord it over them as long as you can!

Send an ecard, if you dare

While some are off color, many are absolutely hilarious and would serve as a fabulous way to catch your loved one's eye. Someecards was co-founded by a former writer at The Onion, another completely hilarious if sometimes off color media outlet.

If you are going to send something, make sure it catches their eye. Someecards can help. Send one to them today, if you dare.

Welcome Interruptions

You get quality time once you've spent quantity time.

Kate passed along this quote to me from Dennis Prager, one of our favorite thinkers. He was talking about spending quality time with our kids. His argument, and I agree with it, is that we have to spend a lot of 'regular' time to get that much sought after quality time with them. It doesn't just happen when you want it to.

I think this also applies beautifully for your primary relationship. Dr. John Gottman, the nation's leading relationship researcher, speaks very highly of those seemingly insignificant 'chit chat' we use in between our bouts of 'quality time.'

This connective interaction (a smile about the memory your wife explains or small laughter when he's telling you something not so important but amusing) provides enormous value to relationships. Great couples have a lot of these interactions. Unhappy couples rarely connect in this way.

All this reminders of a quote I recently saw from CS Lewis:

The great this is, if one can, to stop regarding all the unpleasant things as interruptions in one's 'own' or real' life. The truth is, of course, that what one regards as interruptions are precisely one's life.

What is a great relationship but lots of welcomed interruptions?

It's Your Birthday!! Thank your mother.

I woke up 34 this morning. Kate is doing an awesome job at building the excitement and the boys, especially the big one, have joined into the act. It's really fun and I appreciate it.

I got to thinking about birthdays a bit and thought to myself, "I've never once thanked my mother for birthing me." I've seen what Kate has gone through three times. If that process (9 months of discomfort ending with 16 hours of excruciating pain, followed by x number of years of laughter, tears, worry, and joy) doesn't call for a gracious "thank you", I don't know what does.

So, I've got a new rule that I'd like to spread: On your birthday, call your mother. Say "Thank you for bringing me into this world" or something else that communicates your gratitude. That's the least we can do.