GETINHERHEAD BLOG

Fear As Relationship Magic

Being afraid in a relationship is bad, right? In many cases, I would agree. However, I think this statement sets a trap that leads to boredom. Let me explain....

Early in a relationship, fear can be exciting, something that actually helps you put your best foot forward. That is, if you really like someone, you'll fear they won't like you unless you give it all you have. You don't want Mr. Perfect or Ms. Perfect to think "Well, they really aren't all that and a bag of chips...."

No - you step up. You attend. You plan. You ask questions, open doors, cook fantastic meals. Sacrificing once beloved routines are easy because you know what you want. Your body chemistry is raging right along with you, helping you perform feats of relationship magic heretofore unthinkable to you and your college friends.

But then, 18 to 24 months into the relationship, things start to get, well... normal. All of the sudden, you wake up and that fear of losing the other person, not being the one they can't wait to be with at the end of the day, is gone. But, they are still there. And they have zits! And smell funny! And they don't pick up the freaking laundry! (One main reason for this is, in fact, body chemistry. Read He Comes Next by Ian Kerner for a great explanation.)

I think we need a bit of that healthy fear back in our relational lives. We need to date each other. Again. I see Halloween, the Night of Fright, is a good time to get it back, to recommit to that healthy fear. 

There is plenty of candy waiting for the couple who decides to treat one another like they did all those months ago. And, the good thing is, you don't even have to dress up. Happy Halloween everyone.

Get Naked (or Nekkid!)

Corey over at the Simple Marriage Project has written a great piece on what makes a passionate marriage. It is definitely worth your time to read.

By the way, getting nekkid (as the great writer Lewis Grizzard used to say) isn't what passion is all about.

Sex and the American Couple

Cookie just arrived at the house (don't worry - it's addressed to Kate). I couldn't help but notice Dads on Sex. Hmmm.... If the cover said Cosmo, I wouldn't give it a second look. But, since I actually like a lot of Cookie has to say, I decided to read it. (Just so you don't think I'm too metro, I spent most of Saturday evening drinking beer and watching the Dawgs whip up on the Sun Devils.)

Sex is a difficult thing to talk about, much less write about, for most married men. We are taught by our media and friends what we know about sex rather than from our trusted male elders. Therefore, our comfort level hovers between a 14 and 21 year olds maturity level on the subject. This wasn't always so and, personally, we need to head back to the days of the birds and the bees for our young men. (But I digress... read Michael Gurian's The Wonder of Boys for more on this aspect of men.)

Anyhoo, 79% of American Dads want more action. On the face of it, this is not too shocking. We are all told that men want more than women. What about the fairer half? Turns out American Mom wants more too - 74% of them. What does this mean?

First of all, we aren't communicating at all. Sure, we talk and give hints and shrugs but rarely do we speak in a way the other person can understand. Men want sex - good sex, make your legs tingle sex, borderline bad sex... it's all enjoyable. (And, yes, I agree, some forays are better than others but we are simple creatures.)

Women want intimacy, connection, and appreciation more than the physical act of sex. Just look at the stark contrast between the two articles on American Dads and American Moms. We, as a society that thrives on strong families, need to figure out how to overcome the communication gap here.

Secondly, we both need to get off the gender based hang ups. Ladies - Scheduling sex is OK! Guys - Cleaning up after the kids is a good 10 minutes spent! It will feel odd for both of you at first but will lead to a much better place. Trust me (and this research).

Finally, we've got to be better about being open to what we need from our loved one. If 1 in 3 American Moms are having (or had) affairs, we've got a huge marital problem. Am I'm a conservative when it comes to marriage? You are darn tootin'. You want a thrill - be it sexual or relational? Figure out a way to do it within the confines of that promise you made before your God, your spouse, and all those friends behind you. And, there are more than a few ideas on how to do so out there.

So, guys, sack up and get intimate. Rub her feet. Listen about her day without trying to fix anything. Don't talk about football once. And, ladies, pull out your planner. How does Thursday night sound?

Make the Call!

While I've heard a lot about him, I've never read too much of Tom Peter's work. That is starting to change.

I like the fact he writes short, brilliant, easily understandable quips. If you can't put something to use right away, or at least logically see how it will improve things in time, its a waste of time. None of that here.

In "100 Ways to Succeed #4", Peters demands we take the time RIGHT NOW to deal with that 'minor' misundertanding or that 'slightly bruised' ego. Pride, he suggests, or embarassment leads to putting it off one more day... and another... etc.

This ties in nicely to what a new friend recently spoke to me about - Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda. The main reason, he argued, that we 'walk in the city of regret' is that we fail to remember our purpose in life and that we let what we want or what feels good RIGHT NOW move our actions. (Or, avoiding that which does not feel good right now.)

I made a concious decision many years ago that I was going to be the best husband I could be to whoever was silly enough to say 'yes.' That is one of my few purposes in life. (I've only got three.) I revisit this purpose every day and it guides my actions. Taken in this light, saying "I'm sorry" or "What I can do to help" is easy.

Have you set your life up to easily make that call?

Seth Godin Gets It

Seth Godin, one of the more influential marketing gurus about these days, just posted about Mother's Day. I've read Seth for years, mostly because he talks sense rather than theory.

In the post, Seth talks about acting like its Mother's Day all year rather than only one day and for marketers to "market like your mom is watching." I completely agree, on both counts.

We in relationships should do the same. Acting sweet and nice on his birthday or Valentines Day doesn't get it done. A relationship is not a series of big moments. Rather, it is the culmination of the little, 'boring' moments punctuated with big events.

Take care of the little pieces - being on time, listening, sharing kind words, treating them with love and respect every day - and the big ones will fall into place.

The Important Marriage Question

I'm not talking about the person you choose (and, hopefully, who returns the feelings.) I'm not talking about the wedding plans, how many kids you two will have, where to live, how to spend your money, how often you have sex.

All of these are important questions that must be debated and resolved throughout your marriage. But the most important question? You must ask yourself the following:

Are you going to be a good spouse for your partner or not?

It's a simple question that is often overlooked. However, it has hugely important implications and must be answered honestly.

We have precious few things that our minds can focus on at any one time. Therefore, this decision has to become like your values - something so ingrained that it is constantly running below the surface guiding your behavior.

As egotistical animals, we all can have a hard time thinking about how our decisions effect others. However, we are endowned with both self-awareness and the ability to change our lives by changing our minds. (Thank you Dr. James.)

All of the changes we make in our lives come from the questions we ask ourselves. The answers are shown not only to ourselves, but to everyone through our actions. So, now that you've read the question, how are you going to answer it?

(*A nod goes to Dennis Prager and his lecture on raising good children for making me think about this post.)

Returning from the Road Trip Response Rules

* These rules apply to situations where 'Dad' has gone off for a few days on a guy's trip and left 'Mom' at home with young kids. (Hey - you gotta speak from experience....)

1. "Yes, honey, I had a great time." I don't care if you lost every bet you made, the roof of the Econo Lodge blew off, and you and your best friend got into a knock-down-drag-out fight over the 2008-'09 recruiting class. She was at home, with the kids, for a weekend or longer, with no or little helpRe. You got to sleep in, play poker, get drunk, and not worry about the ankle biters for a bit. Make her feel good about not giving you a hard time for going.

2. "Yes, I'd be happy to...." Whatever it is she wants help with, do it with a smile on your face right then and there. If you've got twenty trout you need to get unpacked and loaded in the freezer, tell her you are going to do that quickly, and then give whatever she'd like help your full attention until it's done.

3. "Tell me about your weekend." Stand or sit there and listen. Ask probing questions like "How were the kids?" or "Aren't you just totally worn out?" Take 20 minutes when the house quiet to let her dump all the garbage out of her head. Rubbing her feet while she does this is a good thing.

4. Say this with feeling: "Thank you, honey. I know it was a crazy busy weekend for you and I really appreciate you taking the kids while I had a guys weekend. When can I take the kids this week so you can get some time yourself?"

These are the rules I live by. By combining these with some strategic planning (only going on the trips that really mean something to you), you'll have a better chance of enjoying a more pleasant return home.

What would you add?

Start Dating Again

I acknowledge that part of the joy of getting married is that one doesn’t have to date anymore.  The horrid first dates, the hideous set ups by your loving aunt, spending two hours getting ready to go out to the meat market clubs and then only meeting guys named Guido who have more product in their hair than you do... ahh to be done with those days!

That being said, it’s time to start dating again.  However, this time you will not be on your own… you should be 'dating' for couple friends.

Having a couple that you both enjoy spending time with makes going out and growing up together a lot more fun.  It's not only enjoyable, there is one major benefit that true couple friends do to improve your relationship: having a someone else in the your lives with whom to have honest conversations about marriage. 

We seem to talk about the challenges in our life in every area but marriage.  If you have great couple friends that you can really talk to, you will find that many of the challenges in marriage are universal and it takes a tremendous burden off your marriage. 

So, you can leave your aunt and dancing shoes out of this round of dating, but for the sake of your relationship, start dating again!

Lovers say "I'm Sorry."

There is this funny idea circulating that goes something like this: "Being in love means never having to say 'I'm sorry.'" According to the clarity-meister Dennis Prager, this phrase may have started to take hold with the movie Love Story. Seeing as I wasn't yet born when the movie came out, I'll take his word for it.

The 'Never having to say "I'm sorry"' idea is a load of malarky. When you screw up (and it is a function of when, not if) , apologize. Don't know how? Here is a great guideline that Randy Pausch, he of the well deserved last lecture fame, prescribes.

Here's Randy's 3 step process:

1. Say "I'm sorry."
2. Say "It was my fault."
3. Say "What can I do to make it right?"

(Here is Randy's lecture in a shortened version care of Oprah. It's 11 minutes and well worth the time.)

Why does this matter? Because the man or woman that you are deciding to love and respect deserves to see your love come through with your apology.

Want to know how a person really is going to handle one of these situations before you get into things? Observe how they handle a problem with a waitress, cabbie, or cleaning person. If they take the time to treat them with dignity and respect, they'll most likely act this way for everyone. If they treat these people in other ways, be careful.

Being in love requires that you say "I'm sorry" when the situation occurs. Do it quickly, sincerely, and without reservation. It's amazing how quickly it will help make things right again.

Truth from the Mother-in-Law

I'm blessed. To date, I've got a fabulous relationship with my mother in law. In fact, in a recent conversation over the best pad thai I've had, she said something that made me think about the early stages of most relationships:

You can't decorate by committee.

I can honestly say that of the 5 tense times Kate and I have lived through, 2 of them have come from decorating the house. I take the blame. Almost 7 years of marriage and a whole lot of reading have reminded me about something most men (including me) share - we don't really give a damn about where the pictures are hung.

As long as we have a place that is comfortable, clean by our standards, and reasonably secure, we are all good. Therefore, we shouldn't fight the placement of objects, colors of drapes, or shapes of pillows. (Now, we will continue to fight about the money side of things. Make an agreed upon budget and live by it, people.)

If it makes momma happy, guys, let her be happy. You'll only benefit from it. If you are simply fighting to 'win the battle', I can pretty much guarantee you'll lose the war. (If you do choose to fight it out about the drapes, I suggest going into it dressed as the merry lad above.)

The Danger of a Big But

Look, I'm not a fan of buts. They are ugly, leave a terrible impression and take up a lot of space. That one little word can simply ruin a good sentence. (What were you thinking about? Focus, people!) 'But' makes the listener forget everything you said prior to 'but' escaping your lips and focuses their attention on what comes after it. Imagine the actual result of the following statement:

"Honey, I love you but you're drive me crazy!"

Using 'but' to join your phrases makes the listener focus on the negative immediately with no remembrance of your initial set up. Regardless of the situation, using 'but' in a sentence destroys whatever intro you've provided. Instead of 'but', use the term 'and.'

"Honey, I love you and you're driving me crazy!"

Employing 'and' in the sentence allows the listener to keep both messsages alive in their perception. Your primary phrase will be listened to and remembered. Your secondary phrase (and perhaps the main reason for the entire sentence) will also be accepted but and tempered by your primary phrase.

Why is this important? While body language still wins the battle in most communicative situations, the use of our words still have an enormous effect on the listener. Choosing your words wisely should be high on your priority list, especially in a relationship you wish to enjoy.

Replace 'but' with 'and' - you'll both be happy with the results. And, if you'd like to try this at home, make sure to use phrases that won't get you slapped!

101 Ways to Show Your Husband You Love Him

Last week, Bethany Hiitola put up a fun post on 101 things men can do for the women they love. Well, after a little back and forth, Bethany challenged me to come up with my own list for women to do for men. I've tried to remain in the not-so-obvious realm. (In other words, no where is 'Show up naked, bring beer' mentionned.) And, don't be so sure that every guy likes every one of these suggestions. For the most part, though, I'm sure your guy will appreciate them. So, without further ado:

1. Give him a shoulder massage without being asked.
2. If he normally gets up with the kids, give him a morning off.
3. Give him the morning sports section, a cup of coffee, and take the kids out to breakfast.
4. Frame a picture of the two of you or your kids for his desk.
5. Set up a guys night with his buddies.
6. Give him a gift certificate to Starbucks or his favorite local coffee shop.
7. Get a sitter for the kids and take him out to his favorite restaurant.
8. After the kids go to bed, slip into something comfortable and make some… advances.
9. Tell him what you appreciate about him, either something he did that day or something he does all the time.
10. Compliment him in front of the kids. Not only will it make him feel good, it’ll show your children you love him as well.
11. Upgrade his seat on the next flight
12. Send an E-card for no reason
13. Buy a card and send it in the mail for no reason
14. Write a note on the bathroom mirror. And, no, not about taking out the trash....
15. Clean up his car for no reason
16. Be "in the mood."
17. Do his laundry.
18. Leave a love note hidden under the pillow.
19. Surprise your husband with twenty-six gifts from A to Z that begin with each of the letters of the alphabet.
20. Flirt with him.
21. Send a small evergreen tree with a note stating you're 'pining' for him.
22. Serve breakfast in bed.
23. Carve your initials on a fence.
24. When he gets home from work, greet him at the door wearing lingerie or nothing but a smile.
25. Plan a romantic picnic but forget the bologna and PBJ – pack an exciting meal, such as sushi, quesadillas, finger sandwiches or chilled shrimp with a fancy bottle or wine or gourmet water. Include citronella candles for an extra romantic touch and to keep bugs away while you dine.
26. Get tickets to an event featuring his favorite sports team and accompany him to the game with enthusiasm. Wear a team hat, drink beer and eat hot dogs just like any other friend would do at the game.
27. Bring a fancy lunch to his office and eat it behind closed doors – you never know what can happen in an hour!
28. Send an email to him during his hectic workday and attach a photo of you wearing your favorite sexy swimsuit. Let him know you can't wait for him to get home.
29. Take a long drive to nowhere. Pack some treats and a few of your favorite CDs.
30. Go on a peaceful nature hike together. A quiet walk gives you the opportunity to hold hands and talk together with no distractions from the outside world.
31. Send him a text message on his cell phone just to tell him that you are thinking about him.
32. Tuck a love note inside his laptop so that when he opens it, he will see you remembered him.
33. Download a photo or video of yourself and make it the background on his computer screen or his screensaver.
34. Create some arrows leading to the bathroom where you've got a hot bath waiting for him and his favorite beer or wine to enjoy.
35. Have a hearty meal waiting for him when he comes home from work. Serve all his favorite dishes without any romantic overtures or expectations and he is sure to show his appreciation after he eats and relaxes.
36. Treat him to breakfast out over the weekend and then spend the rest of the day just hanging out together.
37. Get a nifty waterproof tote, fill it with his favorite toiletries and leave it on his pillow for discovery later. Guys often neglect to keep up with purchasing essential supplies and a bag with razors, after shave, toothpaste and lotion is sure to be appreciated.
38. Program a song into his iPod and have it on deck the next time he grabs his iPod to go running so he knows you are thinking of him.
39. Get a large piece of paper and create a collage of photos showing the two of you spending fun time together. Put the collage up over your bed or living room couch where he can see it and appreciate it.
40. Make a scrapbook with photos, letters, ticket stubs and other precious memories of the moments you shared together and put it on the coffee table or dining room table for him to browse through.
41. Draw a funny picture of the two of you together along with a heart with your names in it with a retro junior high school feel. Put the picture on his car seat so he can get a happy laugh on his way to work.
42. Take a shower together so you can wash and condition his hair for him. Not only will his hair look better, both of you are sure to feel better, too.
43. Shop for him.
44. Pick up his shirts at the cleaners.
45. Write "I Love You" in red lipstick across the bathroom mirror.
46. Treat him and his buddies to an afternoon at a sports bar for the big game.
47. Iron his clothes.
48. Leave a note in his wallet saying that you love him.
49. Laminate a picture of you both or of your entire family for his wallet. (You can make it the same size as a credit card.)
50. Get a birthday card for his parents ready for him to sign.
51. Take the kids out of the house before he gets home from work. Leave him a note saying “Enjoy the quiet. We’ll be back by ___.”
52. Pick up his favorite treat and leave it on the counter for him with a note “I thought you might like this.” It could be a beer, a chocolate, beef jerky… whatever he likes and rarely treats himself to.
53. Say “I love you” at random times during the day.
54. Walk up behind him and give him a hug for no reason.
55. Get him a bunch of movies he’d like to watch when he’s sick.
56. Bring him breakfast in bed.
57. When he’s upset, tell him you’d be happy to listen if and when he’s ready to talk about it. Then, give him some space and don't be mad if he doesn't take you up on the offer.
58. Ask him, “What do you do better than anyone else you know?” And, then listen to the response. If you can back it up, tell him so.
59. When he cooks, compliment the food after you’ve had only a few bites.
60. Tell him why you think he’s a great husband, dad, or both.
61. Compliment the way he looks in his suit.
62. Make a ‘goodie bag’ for his next trip – a few chocolates and a little note.
63. Put a bunch of new magazines by his favorite toilet – magazines you think he’d like.
64. Take a silly picture of the kids and email it to him.
65. Ask him what you can do to help him, right then and there.
66. Learn a little bit about his favorite team – a recent trade, the next game, etc. Ask him about it and see what he thinks.
67. Give him a ‘Free Pass’ gift certificate to something he doesn’t like to do but does every time you ask.
68. Ask him “What’s your favorite memory?”
69. Make him a mixed CD for his car.
70. Get him an iTunes gift certificate.
71. Challenge him to a game of PIG or HORSE.
72. Get up early and make him his favorite breakfast before work.
73. Rub his feet on the couch one night while watching tv.
74. Buy him new socks.
75. Buy him some new underwear.
76. Let him pick a movie that you both watch.
77. Call his mom to see how she’s doing without being asked.
78. When he’s lost, let him figure it out without saying a word. If you must speak, say something like, "You'll get it." in a positive voice.
79. When he’s sick, see if he needs anything and then give him quiet and space.
80. Go for a walk after dinner.
81. Hide little notes for him in places only he will find.
82. Plan a date and make it something adventurous like go carts or bumper cars
83. Get tickets to a concert and pick him up from work.
84. Bring lunch for he and his office mates - a big sandwich or something like that to share. It'll make him look good and his co-workers will appreciate it.
85. Get tickets to a minor league sporting event for the two of you
86. Send him a ‘remember when’ email with a memory that makes you both laugh.
87. Order him a new t-shirt from his college or favorite sports team
88. Sign up for getinherhead.com and fill out all your information for him. (Full disclosure - that's my 'other' website.)
89. Don’t nag
90. Ask him who he would like to have over and plan a little dinner party with the guests of his choice
91. Go on Ebay and find some memorabilia he would love and surprise him with it… like an autographed photo of his favorite sports player.
92. On a day other than his birthday, make cupcakes and put a candle in his and tell him to make any wish he would like…
93. Take a day to really appreciate all the little things he does and tell him so.
94. Go to a park and swing together for a few minutes
95. Locate the closest drive-in movie and go one night
96. Send him on a scavenger hunt and have him end up at a bar/restaurant where you are waiting for him
97. Make a picnic and take a drive to a quiet place for lunch
98. Encourage him to invite his friends over for a big game and make nachos and other appetizers for them.
99. Let him out of the next obligatory event that you would like to drag him to and bring a friend instead
100. Go to an arcade and play video games with him.
101. Go to UnderstandMen.com and listen to a few of Alison Armstrong's podcasts. She gets men.

Anything you'd like to add?

As a personal aside - this list took me 4 days to compile. I'm going to stop writing this touchy-feely stuff and watch Sportscenter.