GETINHERHEAD BLOG

Freedom in UnSexy Ways

The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and awareness, and disciplilne, and effort, and being able to truly care about other people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little un-sexy ways, every day. That is real freedom. The alternative is unconsciousness, the default-setting, the "rat race" - the constant gnawing sense of having had and lost some infinite thing.

This quote comes from a speech given by David Foster Wallace to the 2005 Kenyon College graduating class. I read it in the WSJ a month ago. I've kept the speech on my desk since then and have re-read it often. The above quote struck me yesterday as brutally important for us.

I worry that our culture is going to hell in a handbasket. (I also worry that I might worry too much.) Kate and I have been reading G. K. Chesterton, Modern Times, and Saving the Males lately. Culture seems to ebb back and forth between traditional values and those that are more experimental. This effects our schools, our work, and our relationships. With first grade classes going to a lesbian wedding ceremony as example A,I fear we are moving more to the experimental side of things.

One thing that has not changed about long term relationships is that they require a great deal of work, and sacrifice, and patience, and intent. The funny thing that we are starting to find out is that little things we used to think un-sexy turn out to be incredible aphrodisiacs: taking out the trash, playing with kids, listening....

Here's the thing: the more you act out your love, nay - commitment - to your loved one, the more freedom you will feel in your life. If you get lost in whatever mass culture now tells you is cool or worthy of your time (when it really is not), you'll really be lost. Remember, it is your choice....

Get Naked (or Nekkid!)

Corey over at the Simple Marriage Project has written a great piece on what makes a passionate marriage. It is definitely worth your time to read.

By the way, getting nekkid (as the great writer Lewis Grizzard used to say) isn't what passion is all about.

Politics and Your Relationship

Just a simple observation:

If you answer questions from your wife/husband/loved one the way either McCain or Obama answer townhall questions, you've got problems. Answer the question directly. Sure, you've got to provide some context, but darn it - just answer the question!

And another:

Just because you don't like your choices, staying quiet doesn't solve anything. If you don't like the choices your loved one is offering (or the two political parties), create a third option. You've got to speak up when you've got the chance. A great relationship allows a lot of options to speak up, disagree, and come up with other options. Our country, with its protection of free speech and political system, allows you to speak up. Its up to you to speak. There is ALWAYS someone who will listen.

Make sure to watch the debates everyone or, at least, read about what is going on out there. Here are two great sites: RealClearPolitics.com and IBDEditorials.com. And, PLEASE, go and vote.

Friendship Between Men and Women

"It just got to a point where we couldn't be friends anymore."

This quote came from a guy I played with in a charity golf tournament last Friday. We were getting to know one another - kids names, what they were like, how did you meet your wife, etc. He said they had been friends for a year, dated for a year, and then were engaged. I asked what moved them from being friends to being 'together' and got the quote.

I'm a firm believer that men and women cannot be friends with one possible exception and an iron clad rule. The exception is history - if you've known a person since pre-K and feel like s/he is a sister/brother. Simple, iron clad rule: you don't stay involved with her/his life if it makes either your significant other or yourself feel even the slightest bit odd.

Women don't need competition for a guy's attention in their lives. Why do you think there is such a bruhahah over mother in laws? Attention and who gets it. Period.

Secondly, there is such a thing as an emotional affair. While seemingly less damaging ("I didn't touch her, I swear!"), if you are sharing things with the third person you wouldn't share with your husband or wife, you are fooling yourself. Asking for advice, ok. Baring your soul, uh-uh.

Once we get married, men and women need to feel those of the other sex (except their spouse) have cooties. Who would have known second grade taunts would be so useful....

Relationships: Standing for Something

When you get into a committed relationship, you better know what that other person stands for. And not by what they say. Words are cheap. It is behavior that will show you what the person really believes. Why? Because saying and doing are oceans apart and either you have the courage to actively take a stand or you are just full of hot air (and the balloon of your relationship will leak faster and faster.)

Do you stand for equality in house work? Equal amounts of 'me' time? Decency? Honesty? Providing for your family or spending time with the kids? You've got to make hard choices, the consequences of which you first have to understand and then accept. Then, you've got to make sure that other person in your life can accept them as well and, hopefully, appreciate you all the more.

Then, go out and live those choices. Be real. True to yourself. What you do will tell me what you stand for. And not just right now, when the spotlight is on, but throughout your life. In those quiet alone moments. Around the dinner table. When no one is looking.

In a relationship, it doesn't take long to figure out what the other person really stand for. I hope you can live with it.

Thanks to Seth for bringing this up today.

Save the Males

I'm reading a new book on men and women, Kathleen Parker's Save the Males. It got interesting reviews in a number of publications so I thought I'd thumb through it.

Having read the prologue, I know I'm going to enjoy it. Here's my favorite quote so far:

Girls want boys' attentions, and boys want girls' approval.

And that, boys and girls, sums up this whole shooting match. Guys - attend to your lady friends. Don't try to solve it. Don't watch tv while she's moving her mouth. Listen, nod, and agree with what you can or, at least, respond "Man, that stinks" a bunch. Ladies, tell him what you appreciate about him. Be specific. Do it daily.

Simple ideas. Not that hard to do. Do it for two weeks and you'll build a habit that actually helps your relationship!

Revival of the American Marriage

I had a wonderful thing happen this weekend. While listening to a person I don't know that well personally for 20 minutes, I found myself both laughing and thinking on his words quite hard. It was really a lot of fun, both for the body and the mind. While he mentionned a number of great lines, here are two that stayed with me.

Gratitude leads to joy.

Kate and I speak a lot about gratitude and happiness vs. pleasure. We listen to Dennis Prager a good bit who speaks often on happiness and written a book on the subject. He often says that gratitude is the greatest predictor a good person. Those who seek happiness rather than pleasure are more likely to show gratitude. Those who are sincere in their expressions gratitude are more likely to find joy.

Question: How have you expressed your gratitude towards your loved one today? When you express your gratitude, are you certain that the recepient 'get's it?' Have you built a habit of doing so?

Revivals begin when a group of people take joy in right action.

The American marriage needs a shot in the arm. Too many of us go through the motions without speaking, listening, loving. Instead of focusing on our marriage, we focus on what we are about to consume be it tv, youtube, gossip or some other opiate. When talking about the people who founded our country, Calvin Coolidge said this:

While there were always among them men of deep learning, and later those who had comparatively large possessions, the mind of the people was not so much engrossed in how much they knew, or how much they had, as in how they were going to live.

We need to be more like those people of 300 years ago. We need a revival. We need to be engrossed in the joy of marriage, the work that it requires, and the gratitude which we feel towards one another whilst in it.

Come on, y'all. Let's get after it, one marriage at a time.

Sex and the American Couple

Cookie just arrived at the house (don't worry - it's addressed to Kate). I couldn't help but notice Dads on Sex. Hmmm.... If the cover said Cosmo, I wouldn't give it a second look. But, since I actually like a lot of Cookie has to say, I decided to read it. (Just so you don't think I'm too metro, I spent most of Saturday evening drinking beer and watching the Dawgs whip up on the Sun Devils.)

Sex is a difficult thing to talk about, much less write about, for most married men. We are taught by our media and friends what we know about sex rather than from our trusted male elders. Therefore, our comfort level hovers between a 14 and 21 year olds maturity level on the subject. This wasn't always so and, personally, we need to head back to the days of the birds and the bees for our young men. (But I digress... read Michael Gurian's The Wonder of Boys for more on this aspect of men.)

Anyhoo, 79% of American Dads want more action. On the face of it, this is not too shocking. We are all told that men want more than women. What about the fairer half? Turns out American Mom wants more too - 74% of them. What does this mean?

First of all, we aren't communicating at all. Sure, we talk and give hints and shrugs but rarely do we speak in a way the other person can understand. Men want sex - good sex, make your legs tingle sex, borderline bad sex... it's all enjoyable. (And, yes, I agree, some forays are better than others but we are simple creatures.)

Women want intimacy, connection, and appreciation more than the physical act of sex. Just look at the stark contrast between the two articles on American Dads and American Moms. We, as a society that thrives on strong families, need to figure out how to overcome the communication gap here.

Secondly, we both need to get off the gender based hang ups. Ladies - Scheduling sex is OK! Guys - Cleaning up after the kids is a good 10 minutes spent! It will feel odd for both of you at first but will lead to a much better place. Trust me (and this research).

Finally, we've got to be better about being open to what we need from our loved one. If 1 in 3 American Moms are having (or had) affairs, we've got a huge marital problem. Am I'm a conservative when it comes to marriage? You are darn tootin'. You want a thrill - be it sexual or relational? Figure out a way to do it within the confines of that promise you made before your God, your spouse, and all those friends behind you. And, there are more than a few ideas on how to do so out there.

So, guys, sack up and get intimate. Rub her feet. Listen about her day without trying to fix anything. Don't talk about football once. And, ladies, pull out your planner. How does Thursday night sound?

Thank you Posh Mama!

The wonderful ladies over at Posh Cravings just let us know GetinHerHead was selected as a 'Mama's Pick' of the week. It is nice to be craved. Many thanks, ladies!!

Make the Call!

While I've heard a lot about him, I've never read too much of Tom Peter's work. That is starting to change.

I like the fact he writes short, brilliant, easily understandable quips. If you can't put something to use right away, or at least logically see how it will improve things in time, its a waste of time. None of that here.

In "100 Ways to Succeed #4", Peters demands we take the time RIGHT NOW to deal with that 'minor' misundertanding or that 'slightly bruised' ego. Pride, he suggests, or embarassment leads to putting it off one more day... and another... etc.

This ties in nicely to what a new friend recently spoke to me about - Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda. The main reason, he argued, that we 'walk in the city of regret' is that we fail to remember our purpose in life and that we let what we want or what feels good RIGHT NOW move our actions. (Or, avoiding that which does not feel good right now.)

I made a concious decision many years ago that I was going to be the best husband I could be to whoever was silly enough to say 'yes.' That is one of my few purposes in life. (I've only got three.) I revisit this purpose every day and it guides my actions. Taken in this light, saying "I'm sorry" or "What I can do to help" is easy.

Have you set your life up to easily make that call?

Porn for Women

Kate sent me this today and it made me laugh.

Rather than just being a funny email someone dreamed up, it's really a book/website/blog/ecard/etc. service. I've read through the blog - these people can write. Even the site's url, wannasnuggle.com, suggests a tounge in cheek approach.

Send a few of the ecards along to friends. Even guys will appreciate it them. They can be the subtle kick in the teeth we sometimes need. Remember, when done with humor, we respond. Sarcasm, though funny at times, usually won't get it done.

More Wienies = More Better

Does your relationship have a wienie in it? Do you care enough to add one (or many) in? Personally, I think the more wienies you've got, the better off you'll be. (Thanks for the great story, Mark!)